Maureen Renfro's Blog: General Common Characteristics In Unhealthy, Sad Relationship

Saturday, December 22, 2012

General Common Characteristics In Unhealthy, Sad Relationship

Failed relationship is one of the causes of stress and unhappiness in life. If we cannot maintain lasting relationships, we will always struggle to be happy. If we know why relationships are liable to break down we can avoid the pain involved.

Avoidance - Many people in unhealthy relationships simply avoid facing reality. There are many reasons for this. For instance, deep down inside, the people involved may be trying to make themselves appear superior. Or perhaps they don't
want to face the fact that their spouse really aren't who they say they are. For example, Person A might cover up and make
excuses for his spouse, Person B, who is always late coming home from work and almost always misses family functions.
Person A could be trying to avoid reality and make up excuses to cover up an affair that Person B is involved in so that it doesn't destroy their "perfect image" in everyone's eyes. Or Person A could be avoiding the fact that Person B is a workaholic.

Burnout - Although many can carry out romance throughout their entire relationships, the actual honeymoon period does have to end, in reality. And those who can keep the "love" fires
burning, not 24 / 7 but off and on regularly during their relationship, have better chances of healthier relationships than those who suffer burnout and don't know where to turn or who to turn to unhealthy solutions. In short, every relationship has its highs and lows. During the low times, like maybe when one person begins to feel disillusioned with marriage, or maybe trapped, tired, helpless, depressed or let down, if this person
reaches out to unhealthy alternatives, like getting a fake substitution - maybe seeking another lover in secret, getting "high," or some other negative behavior, once-healthy
relationships can suffer. Instead, the couple needs to face issues together; add some new goals to the relationship, do some fun things together more, talk more, etc.

Compatibility Issues - Opposites attract; or do they? Sure it's great to have some "spice" in your life. But relationships are about getting your needs met - at least on some level. And constant negativity can certainly hinder intimacy. So those who have a difficult time focusing on what attracted them to their
Spouse in the first place can suffer unhealthy, sad relationships, constantly in conflict over issues with which they can't agree.

Devotional Void - A lack of commitment or ardent love can make for unhappy relationships. Being friends or roommates is
one thing. Being committed, loving soul mates is another. Being "in love" 24/7 doesn't necessarily have to be a requirement, but being in a "loving" committed relationship can make the difference.

Enthusiasm Dwindles - If you don't add in some spice once in awhile, you can get the same old, same old. Couples caught up in routines can lose that spark of enthusiasm; i.e. zest of life in their relationships if they forget to be spontaneous once in awhile or forget to flavor their relationship with fun, adventure, romance.

Forgiveness Void - No one is perfect. Mistakes are a part of life. Those unwilling or unable to forgive, can pretty much count on having more unhealthy relationships over time. Relationships based or growing on anger, spite, disgust, resentment or other negative feelings associated with lack of
forgiveness are like wilted flowers. They need tending to or they'll die.

Guise - Simulated relationships or those under the guise of having a solid, happy relationship are not destined for success,
on the whole. Or rather false is as false does. Pretending wears thin and doesn't last long.

Harm - Harmful thoughts, words and actions can sure lead to unhealthy relationships. An occasional outbreak during a stressful moment might be considered normal like swearing; i.e. if someone hasn't been raped, battered (or other sever trauma has occurred) by the other party. However, harmful, violent actions such as those and repeated verbal negativity is
abusive and not healthy in relationships - or life.

Indulgence - Instant gratification or indulgence of unhealthy behaviors is a sign of trouble. Grabbing chocolate to satisfy a
craving is one thing. Grabbing illicit drugs or another mate in secrecy is another. Yielding to unhealthy temptations and desires is a pathway to unhealthy relationships.

Just say yes - Not being able to draw boundaries or sustain limits is another possible path to sad relationships. For
example, if one person in the relationship has a difficult time saying "Yes" and setting limits, his or her mate could always
come in second, third or forth - - rarely first in the other person's eyes and agenda. And while it's fine to take a back seat once
in awhile, people make time for priorities and in healthy relationships, both parties feel and share the value of being number one with one another.

Picking Faults - Whoever we spend time with will undoubtedly have faults. Successful relationships require a certain tolerance of others’ weaknesses. If we keep picking up on the faults of over people, expecting them to change, we create permanent tension. For example, your partner or friend may not share your judgment that they are faults. This does not mean we have to ignore when others do wrong things.

Selfishness- Selfishness is the root of all relationship problems. When we are selfish we think of ourselves first and foremost. We ignore the needs of others and become ego centric. Ego centric people are never easy to live with; they tend to be a drain on relationships. When we are selfish we want the praise, support and backing of others; but, we are not willing to give anything in return.

"Neverland" - Ever heard something like this in an argument, "You never....?" Well trips to Neverland are for Peter Pan. Skip the "always" and "nevers" in arguments and avoid unhealthy relationship issues. It's rare that someone does or does not do something 100 percent of the time.
Memories just seem to fail during opportunistic, stressful episodes sometimes (not always, though!)

Ominous - Bad or ominous feelings, an omen...a feeling deep inside that tells you something is wrong - this often accompanies unhealthy relationships.

Pressure - When one party pressures (or forces) the other to have sex, this is characteristic of an unhealthy relationship.

Questions - Part of communicating is asking and answering questions. If this process causes problems, i.e. even the simplest of questions arouses anger, suspicions, fighting, etc., this is a trait often found with unhealthy relationships. The party who has difficulty answering questions may be hiding
something, dealing with control issues or dealing with substance abuse (or other).

Responds Inappropriately - Some characteristics of unhealthy relationships include playing head games, trying to humiliate, using threats, insults or jealousy. These inappropriate responses suggest unhealthy environment between the couple.

Silence - Silence isn't always golden, as the saying goes. If one person shuns or ignores the other, outside of a solitary or very brief occurrence, this can reflect an unhealthy relationship.

Treatment - If healthcare treatments are being ignored or stopped without the help of a professional; for example, in the
case of stopping anti-depressant medication after a severe (negative) episode (like suicide), this can signal an unhealthy relationship. People need to take care of themselves and not leave everything up to their spouse in relationships.

Untidy / Unkempt - When one or both partners disregards physical appearance for the duration (long-term, not just for a
weekend), this signals an unhealthy relationship. One or both could be abusing substances, for example, or suffering

Verbal Abuse /Violate - When one or both partners use verbal abuse and / or violate or cause harm to the other's person or personal property, things or friends, this can be a red flag for an unhealthy relationship. People should respect each other and each other's property, things and friends. And verbal abuse is not appropriate.

Weapons - Threatening a partner with a weapon, even if it's a household (or other) item used as a weapon is a sign of an
unhealthy relationship.

Xerox - A trait of an unhappy relationship can be when a person is copying another, failing to be himself or herself. Some personality disorders are also characterized by this trait
that reportedly shows up in a number of unhealthy relationships. 

Youthful Outlook / Emotions - An energetic, youthful attitude toward life is one thing. Youthful expectations; i.e. outlook, and
emotions can be characteristic of unhealthy partners. Growing couples need maturity as they grow together and face adult
issues. Childish displays of anger, hostility, selfishness, etc., don't have much place in healthy, growing partnerships.

A healthy strong relationship should be able to cope with constructive criticism and suggestions. However, we need to make sure we don’t become obsessed with noticing bad things. Rather than remembering all the bad things your partner does, make yourself think of some of the good things that they have been doing. Unfortunately, humans often seem attracted to noticing the faults of others, but, it doesn’t help relationships to do this. If you become too critical it will cause long term problems.